In psychology, boundaries are the difference between you and me. States, countries, and cities have boundaries distinguishing one locality from another. So it is with psychological or personal boundaries.

Healthy personal boundaries have some permeability. Too rigid a boundary blocks the ability to connect with others. And too loose a boundary makes it hard for you to distinguish yourself from someone else.

Healthy boundaries also have some level of flexibility. They adapt with time and situation. However, they are not so flexible that you end up bending over backwards only to find resentment later.

Part of having boundaries is setting limits. And knowing what your limits are. A limit is your action to enforce the boundary. The keyword is: Your Action. It’s not a request you make of someone else. It is not an ultimatum. Or an expectation that you have for someone to do. A limit is something you set, and you do.

For example, you have a child or a colleague who is having a little temper tantrum. They are yelling at you, maybe saying some profanities. This really strikes a nerve in you. Where is the respect from this other person? They have crossed a boundary in how you would like to be treated. So, you decide to set a limit. You inform this other person, “Hey, I don’t like the way you are speaking to me.” However, you are a respectable person, and you are interested in what they have to say. So, you inform them “We can continue this discussion when we are both calm and collected. I’m going to leave the room, and I will come back in 20 minutes to check to see if you are ready to discuss this”.

The above is setting a limit.

Setting a limit is not: “Stop yelling at me”. You have no control over the other person’s behavior.

You only have control of your own actions and behavior. What you have control over is participating in the discussion and removing yourself from the yelling.