This post is part of the Difficult Conversations series. Start from the beginning [here].
Previously, we talked about recognizing our feelings and sitting with them. You can gain a lot of data from recognizing and sitting with your feelings. And at this point, if you have already done this, you may have gained clarity and peace with what your next steps are.
However, if you are still feeling all jumbled up, like your emotions will take over the conversation, it’s important to look at what story you are telling yourself.
For instance, if you feel your blood boil in anger, there may be some blame in your story. If there is grief, there may be some unmet expectations. Anxiousness may indicate we feel we can’t control the outcome. We may be creating ourselves into a victim, or telling ourselves that we are helpless, or that someone else is a villain (Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes are High, 2011).
When you recognize the story you are telling yourself you can take a moment to pause and look at what judgments have worked themselves into your story and how you might be filling your story with things that aren’t facts.
Let’s take a look at a common experience we each have. I’m driving down the road and get cut off by another person. In that instance, the story I’m telling myself is that the other person is rude, inconsiderate, and a worthless driver. This story causes my anger to rise. Maybe if I’m impulsive, I flip them the bird, or even worse, try to cut them off in return. I can feel like I am in the right and the other person is in the wrong. And thus I can feel entitled to my actions. And man, it felt good in the moment.
But, was it effective?
Let’s rewind and go back to the beginning. The car cuts me off. My heart speeds up; I clench the steering wheel tighter; I worry about my own safety, the safety of anyone else in my car, and the safety of the cars around me. It might be harder to admit, but I am probably also worrying about the person who cut me off (will I hit them because I can’t brake fast enough?).
Rewinding and telling the story from a fact-based approach. Those facts are what I saw, what I heard, what I felt (and owning my feelings), and how my body reacted. By being fact-based, I’m removing judgments (do I know that person is rude? inconsiderate? worthless?), which allows me to look at what really might be happening. That is: I felt unsafe.
If my actions were to give the middle finger or attempt to cut off the other person, would that be effective at creating safety?
Another common example: a friend, spouse, partner, or co-worker (this can apply to so many relationships) is busy scrolling through their phone while we are out to dinner. I assume it’s time to catch up and connect. I feel snubbed, like they don’t care about me. I start telling myself that there is nothing I can do; they are always on their phone, right? Or that the other person is socially inept? And so, I pull out my phone too and start scrolling, because it’s hopeless, right?
Again, if we rewind – when the other person took out their phone, I felt hurt. I value our relationship and was hoping to connect. If I am looking for connection, is pulling out my own phone effective at fostering that connection?
Helpful resources to dive deeper into some of these topics include:
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- Dialectical Behavior Therapy Handouts and Worksheets:
- Check the facts, specifically Emotion Regulation Handout 8
- Effectiveness skills
- The book
- Nonviolent Communication’s Feelings and Needs list
- Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Get High
- Rising Strong by Brene Brown
Next week we’ll discuss how to identify the true issue behind the problem and we’ll take a look at how we can use our values as a guiding post in navigating the conversation. Subscribe to our newsletter below or follow us on Instagram our Facebook to get notifications of blog postings. We post new blog articles every Wednesday evening.