This post is part of the Difficult Conversations series. Start from the beginning [here].
We’ve looked at our feelings. We’ve looked at the story we are telling ourselves. The last thing we are going to do before we move on to the actual conversation is look at: What do we want? And…What do we want for the other person?
To do this, we need to do 2 things:
- Identify the issue.
- Identify our values
To identify the issue, it’s first helpful to look at whether this is something that has happened once, a couple of times, or is it a pattern? This can help us be realistic in what to expect the outcome to be. If it’s something that has happened once, the person may be more open to hearing about it and making a change. They may not even realize how what happened affected you. On the other hand, if it’s a consistent pattern, it may be more realistic to set your expectations for just bringing awareness of how the pattern is impacting you to the person’s attention. Patterns are much trickier for a person to change, even when they are aware and willing to change.
When you are identifying the issue, sometimes you can come up with a whole laundry list of issues. If that is the case, let’s stop right here and reflect. If someone came to you with a whole laundry list of issues, are you actually going to hear what the person said? Or will you become overwhelmed (defensive maybe?) and shut down?
Whether or not that whole laundry list of items is valid, our goal is to be heard, not just to speak. Take a look at your laundry list and identify one or two top issues. Ideally, identify just one issue.
Example One: Maybe your partner is forgetful. They forget to put the dishes up, they forget about the limits you both discussed to enforce with the kids, they forget the schedule for the week, or that little Susie had a band recital this Thursday. You have a whole list of things that they forget. And your emotional brain really wants to dig into how forgetful they are.
If you are going down a similar train of thought, it may be helpful to revisit last week’s post here.
And from reviewing that last post, you may identify a feeling and a need. Such as, I feel resentful because I feel unsupported. And wah-lah, you have now narrowed your issues down to one issue. You would like more support.
And even better, you have owned that need and feeling. You are not focusing on the other person’s behavior, but how that behavior is making you feel and what need you would like the other person to help meet.
Using “I” statements in difficult conversations, instead of “you” statements, can help decrease the likelihood of the other person becoming defensive and increase the likelihood of being heard.
Example Two: let’s say at work you are getting frustrated with a project. Your boss isn’t giving you clear direction and you co-worker has just shrugged off the project. Leaving the directionless project all on you. Maybe at this point you are also somewhat upset about the lack of promotion and raises you’ve received over the years, you are feeling disillusioned about the company’s culture, and you are wondering if the job is even a good fit for you. You want to have a conversation with your boss about this.
Narrowing down the issues might look like identifying what is realistic to address with your boss and what is something you need to explore more on your own. With your boss, you may come up with needing to address the lack of direction for the project, and the need for more help. You identify that you feel confused or lost with the project and you need more support. Then, you recognize that the feelings of disillusionment and job fit are items you need to explore more on your own.
Next, it’s time to identify your values and what values stand out with these situations. Identifying your values helps you to act in alignment with them.
A handy list of values and needs can be found here.
Example One: You identify the values that are leading in this situation as the values of collaboration and partnership. Identifying these can ensure you are acting in a way that strengthens these in your relationship.
Example Two: You may identify the values that are leading you as being ones of excellence, accountability, reliability, teamwork, or success.
Next week join us in learning how to put these concepts into a conversation starter. Subscribe to our newsletter below or follow us on Instagram our Facebook to get notifications of blog postings. We post new blog articles every Wednesday evening.